Claim Your Inner Masculine

Do you sometimes end up with lovely guys who treat you like a queen - but who you only have luke-warm feelings for?

All too often, we hook into relationships because we feel a particular man will enhance our lives. Better friends, better parties, better restaurants. We adore them and think they are great... but deep down know we want a deeper, more genuine connection.

Well I am here to say that if a man doesn't totally rock your world - open you deeply, sexually, emotionally (and you'd know it if he was) - then you are settling. And any decision made by fear, not by choice is ultimately a debilitating one.

This post is here to help you cultivate the inner stature that you need to thrive and blossom on your own so that the next man you shack up with is even more magnificent that your magnificent existence.

See, the reason I write this is because I am the first and foremost guilty member of the "you complete me" club. For years, I have oh-so-gladly and subconsciously given my power away to boyfriends. Life was so much easier when a strong competent male made decisions for me. Where to eat, what we're doing, which virus software to get for my computer.... Sound familiar?

Now, I know that those directional qualities are what's beautiful about the Masculine. And of course, it's fun to do gadget talk with boys! What I am talking about is the dependence I felt on those decisions. Without that empowered directionality, I felt like a "little girl lost".

I know the women reading this will fall into two camps:

There are the women who have come full circle on this journey, saying "derr girl - grow up! Of course you've gotta be your own woman before you can expect a healthy coupling with a man!".

And the other women who are saying "Uh-oh... I kinda relate... I always feel deep down that a boyfriend will make my life easier, grander, more fun".

This post is for the second group - because inadvertently giving your power away like that will end you up with the wrong man. Every time. It will also incapacitate you in ever knowing your own strength, self-worth and massive capability to achieve amazing and surprising dreams.

So, what is that part of you that would rather forgo true love in favour of security?

Hey - what is wrong with security, you ask?

Nothing, per se. What I have an issue with is a relationship that is based on fear of being alone, rather than love. You are entrapping the other... and you are entrapping your self. It's like you're saying to the Universe: "I don't trust You, I don't trust Myself, I don't trust Men... And so I will take what's given to me rather than risk for some Ultimate Fantasy".

Ask, and ye shall receive ladies.

I just hope that you ask to be emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually met by a man. That is the fertile breeding ground for a love that will challenge, open and expand you into the woman you were always yearning to be - provided you let it.

And this is where cultivating YOUR inner masculine comes in - so that you don't need to get your social, emotional needs met by a man that you are not absolutely crazy about.

In simple terms, I am talking about your ability to thrive and survive in the world. I am talking about your ability to succeed and make yourself so blindingly juicy and happy that a man would need to really show up to get your attention. You are blooming, he loves the challenge... It is based on fun and attraction and possibility and desire... (much better than accepting a drink date at the last minute 'cos you hate what's on TV, I say).

Entertain yourself. Go to amazing restaurants. Go to the Opera.... Heck, a weekend away. Make amazing progress at work and manifest a major pay rise - whatever it is that you are secretly hoping will be taken care of when you have a boyfriend - do it now.

Now, I know this is old news, and most us modern women already do this... but only to some degree. It feels like, amongst my peers, we are only playing life at 70%, still hoping that a "perfect" man will enable to take it 100%.

I say - play it at 110%!

Give yourself everything you've ever wanted, yes... but remove the feelings of loneliness, frustration and pining for a man - OK?

The part in you that is OK to be in the world on your own - that is your inner masculine. The part in you that doesn't need to be rescued or pandered to on any level? Yups - inner masculine. If you don't feel like you can thrive here 100% solo, you will be hooking in the wrong men. This a co-dependent dynamic maketh. This is your little girl not wanting to be a grown, independent woman.

I think a lot of us are really gracious and grateful when enjoying the treats and spoils of man... until we come to expect them. I have never ever expected them. But when they came, I was greatly relieved - and not only because my boyfriend was such a sweetheart. But because secretly I was scared I would not have been able to do it on my own. And that is what I am trying to break.

Financial independence, freedom to travel, being a culture vulture and entertaining queen... these are my new responsibilities. At least for the time anyway. So when I do choose to merge with a man , I want to add value. I want to give more, take less. My needs are my own to look after. Only then am I free to bring the most beautiful, strong, and liberating parts of myself to a man who I choose because he is even more magnificent than my full, solo life.

Stop pining for something that you are not even entirely sure you want. Many, many people are bored in their relationships and are lying to themselves just to hold up an illusion. Do not be one of those people.

Start bringing the value of your Feminine... It only blossoms when you become secure in yourself. It is the Wild Woman in you that lets go and celebrates herself. It's you being drunk on your own company, ready to take on life and receive life in full. And only you can bring about your own security when you trust yourself. And you trust yourself when you provide for your core needs. You know you can do it. You know you are completely OK on your own.

So, what are some ways you can enhance your independence and celebration of life? Have you ever been guilty of staying in a relationship because it seemed a better option than being alone? How have your relationship dynamics changed when you began to "grow up"?

(Have a question or want to explore this deeper? Check out my website at http://www.alinabcoaching.com/ and drop me a line).

Self-Care vs Selfish

There is a sick martyrdom trip going on in our midst, where the notion of doing something for yourself is met with guilt, confusion and a host of excuses about how indispensable you are to the lives of others. After all, who has time to exercise when there are people out there that need your "help"?

Pardon the cynical tone, but in my loong observations of people whose lives work - and those whose don't - success floods to those who keep their energy bucket full. These people who are mindful about how they feel and take care to face the world feeling cheerful, healthy and energised.

The rest face the world feeling stressed, drained and unhappy (ie on an empty tank), all in the name of "being a friend" and "working hard".

Puh-lease.

If you want to add some real value to your world, it's time to realise that your notion of "helping" others at the expense of your own well-being is the ultimate selfish act, and for a plethora of reasons.

Firstly, you are no good to anyone on an empty tank. Smile solidly as you might, your underlying energy is still tired, stressed and cranky and your mate is surely to pick up on that. If they need to talk, rather reschedule and see them when you can be truly present.

Secondly, very often you agree to help only to feel better about yourself and manage the opinions others uphold of you, rather than out of genuine consideration of what your friend actually needs.

For instance, do any of these sucky statements secretly hold true?

1) "I feel too guilty to say NO when a friend asks me to do a favour for them. I should always be there for my friends".

2) "I need to go to everything I am invited to. It is rude to decline and besides, I don't want to miss out".

3) It's OK if I get behind on my tasks and responsibilities to self. My friends need me more."

Ok, so here is the reality:

a) Relationships are built on an energy transference. Guilt and resentment do not a healthy dynamic make. Do something only if it's in your heart. If you "have" to, so that they don't think "badly" of you, or judge you in another way... and you need them to still think "well" of you, then get a reality check. These are not valid reasons for service (a resounding "this is about my friend's well-being, not about their opinion of me" is a green light, however). If you do go ahead with the 'favour', you are skewing with the natural flow of things (guided by your intuition) and an unbalanced dynamic will occur which will poke power holes in your friendship.

b) Do not become an "enabler". In pop-psychology, this a term for a rescuer, someone who comes in to "fix" the dramas of their loved ones in the short term, but in effect leaving them disempowered for the sake of their own 'hero' fantasy in the long-term. Even though you think you're helping, if you got gut-honest with yourself you will admit that this is weeey more about you.

c) Do not see your friends - and especially your lover - on an empty battery. As I said earlier, the world needs you strong, bouncy and glowing - not in drained, stressed martyr mode. Too often we forgo exercise, massage and just general chilling in favour of overworking, doing too much for people or socialising to the brim. Remember, friends only genuinely need your help only once in a while. If your friends are always in some sort of drama that you feel compelled to fix, then you are not in a healthy dynamic and its costing you dearly. Wake up.

d) Stop trying so hard. Who are you trying to impress? What's driving your striving? Feminine energy especially is about receiving. Self-care means to filling up on your happy vibes, so that powerful magnetic energy can work through you. When you relax and release tension from yourself, there is more room for goodness to enter you.

When we are not in flow and things stop going our way, we start to over-compensate by working too hard. This is SUCH a common and unnecessary problem and it breaks my heart to see it in action. In fact, I too lost my footing only a few weeks ago. I dropped the ball, and life suddenly got hard. Once I got back on the horse, things started swimming again.

Now I know that my self care comes first. I don't do a thing until I meditate, have my run and journal my intentions for the day. These rituals help me feel full of energy, confidence and guidance. I find when I do that, I don't need to lift a finger - things and ideas just flow.

Similarly, if I don't make the time for myself (even skipping a meditation session), everything is in reverse. No matter what I do, how hard I work or how intently I try... Nothing happens.

SO - if you are always tired and busy doing things for everyone but yourself, it may be time to ask: why are you trying so hard? Aren't you over over-compensating? Frankly, it sounds like you are consuming yourself with all the wrong things and you are best off getting busy meditating and having a massage, don't you think? :)

Ok, so before we get too excited, lets state (the obvious) of what self care is NOT:

- Watching mindless TV to 'zone out' (sorry, but you were never in the 'zone' to begin with).

- Treating yourself to junk-food, pizza, thickshake, then cake (hey, you deserve it!... Not.)

- Having a bender with your friends (the only thing you'll be "letting lose" is your reputation. People notice).

You and I both know that self-care means taking the time to nourish yourself, so that you can show up in your best way for others. You know what floats your boat. Just please now etch out the time to do more of it. Your friends need you to be happy, simple.

Here are some of my faves:

- Regressing into my 80's world of movies, music, and other nostalgia that reminds me of a simpler (and daggier) time .

- Aromatherapy baby. Lavender still rocks. As does Geranium and Clary Sage.

- Jogging with my super-loaded 'pod

- The OCEAN. 'Nuff said.

- Reading, writing, collaging...

What are some of your fail proof self-care delights? What do you wish you did more of? Do you think self-care is selfish?

Share Share Share (how selfless is that ?! ;))

There's Always a Way to Get What you Want...

... provided you are willing to do what it takes to get it.

This post is aimed to help you become the kind of person that good stuff sticks to... and minimise any excess chasing, stress and inaction in return.

On some level, living life well is all about setting achievable goals, as any goal-getting gospel will tell you. To paraphrase years of self-help manuals:

"Have an end in mind, break it down into manageable chunks, do daily only what's important and viola! - trip away achieved, business launched and size 6 jeans out of hiding"...

Ok, sounds easy enough... but it's the "do daily only what's important" bit that used to get me every time. Somehow Facebook, having another sandwich and calling a friend always got in the way of me even posting on this blog (an affliction I've now conquered, as you can see by the execution of this post! ;))

For those who suffer from action-aversion, there's always The Secret http://www.thesecret.tv/ - see it, feel it, and it will come (getting off your bum and putting in the hard yakka is seemingly optional). This valuable but somewhat distorted account of manifestation presents a limited angle to what is actually a powerful law. If visualisation and affirmative thought was enough, I'd be driving a Mercedes to work by now, not catching a Mercedes bus.

Now, I am not poo-pooing the Law of Attraction, The Secret or the desire for material possesions. Its more that when goal-actualising technology is split between the "Working-like-a-dog" vs the "See-it-and-it-will-come" camps, we kinda forget that the whole point of being a good egg in life (and indeed, truly being happy) is to give, not to get.

Yes, success is dependent on action, with a bit of magic thrown in. But our ability to take those actions consistently depends on the inner strengths that are required to make said actions easy.

Most of us are so OUTSIDE-focused that we forget that WE are our biggest work-in-progress. The recognition and development of our inner qualities is what determines our ability to add real value to the world around us.

I don't belive that we "create" opportunities - rather, we grow into them.

A lot of us are still wishing for a fantasy life without doing the actual inner work to make it happen. Taking responsibility and looking at your 'stuff' is a humbling and uncomfortable process, but also one that is empowering beyond words and will prepare you for anything in life.

When you improve, everything improves.

Therein lies my whole argument for self-realisation. I am not after a wild dream or the fillment of a bottomless pit of depair within myself. Rather, I feel that the planet needs a lot of work, so I am taking the time and work necessary daily to be the most inspired, strong and compassionate woman I can be, so that I have the energy and resources to give back to others through who I am.

As the adage goes, "you can't give what you don't have".

If you don't like yourself, it's probably because you are behaving as someone you probably wouldn't like either. For instance, if I'm being lazy, skipping on exercise, being a brat or not giving my friends and family the care they deserve... I don't like myself. At the same time, when I exercise, am mindful in my communication, meditate, get my work out on time and act with integrity, I like myself. Simple!

So, become someone you would like. How would you like to be described?The best way I know is to first focus on who you would like to BE. Then go ahead and be that person. That's it.

If you have qualities that you need to work on, get off your butt and do so. If you need help, email me on alina@alinabcoaching.com and I would be happy to help you design an action plan.


To finish off, here is a quote that I just found by Gary Gorrow that sums this up perfectly...

Don't be shy after you finished reading this and leave a post about what inner skills and strengths you would like to develop in yourself... Or what advice you have for others who are wanting to develop more patience, resilience, grace or compassion in their lives...

Alina x

Shifting Perception

There are two ways of meeting difficulties: we can alter the difficulties, or we can alter ourselves to meet them.
A simple shift in our own awareness brings an enormous shift in how we experience daily life.
If we could gently train ourselves to see the progressive value in every situation, to have our attention on the gift concealed behind that which is seemingly difficult, we would come to realize that life's challenges aren't meant to paralyse us, they are natures uniquely orchestrated events designed to accelerate our evolution and help us to discover who we really are.
The truth is that if we're never challenged or never try to do something beyond what we have already mastered, we will never grow.
Jai Guru Deva
Gary

Devotion to Discipline

I have noticed in the last few weeks how the word "discipline" conjures up all sorts of nervous twitches amongst my friends and clients.

Interesting to see how a word that simply means 'ritual, consistency and a worthy routine' actually conjures up images akin to Chinese water torture!

So how did this delusion start? And what can we do to befriend this rather useful but less-than-popular virtue?

Once upon a time, we decided that pleasure is good and pain is bad. It kinda began when we were very tiny and compared the experience of grazing our knees with that of Nana giving us a cupcake - and deciding we would much rather the latter.

As we grew slightly older, we became more and more at home with our world of sweet and gratifying delights.... discomfort becoming a distant cousin to sleeping in, playtime and yummy treats. We didn't know it at the time, but this was the beginning of confusing being comfortable with being happy. Normal for kids, debilitating for adults.

Over the years, our resilience muscle waned further and an Inner Sloth began to settle in its place, thriving on the traps of quick-fix instant gratification and governing our life through shitty habits like sleeping past the alarm, having second helpings of dessert, skipping the gym and calling our exes.

As the Inner Sloth began to take up more and more mental real-estate, our Inner Babe/Triathlete/Painter/Powerhouse was kicked to the curb. Her voice was only heard through our flashes of envy when we saw someone who was actually living out their gifts. "Bitch!" we would think of the fit, lithe woman on the beach doing her 4th lap of Bondi. "Oh, if only I'd had her body/boyfriend/discipline...." you lament. And, defeatist nature reigning supreme, you'd go home to the comforts of your safety net, relegating your real potential to nothing more than a 'childish fantasy'.

Arrghhh! Is this really how we want to be running our lives?

Your greatest ally is buried right underneath you. Your Discomfort is kinda like the chubby kid at school that you initially ignored, but then became your closest friend when you discovered how funny he was during a classroom gag. So too our pain becomes a misunderstood compatriot, if used correctly. Recognise it simply as nothing more than the sound of your Inner Sloth complaining, not getting what it wants... and that's exactly what you want - to piss it off so badly that it leaves. After all, what better way to disturb a gratification addict than to make it temporarily uncomfortable? ;)

What you give in to is what runs your life. And I would much rather a hot, sexy, fit, informed and energised Goddess run my life. I reckon she's way more fun than Slobbo on the couch. She is a tough chick who knows she's worth the effort...

The question is, do you?

If you don't, it's only 'cos the Inner Slob has brainwashed you to have its way. Don't buy into its dogma! It's funny how we think that discipline is a way of suddenly being 'controlled', when this thing had its grips on us all along...

The good news is, that like an imaginary friend, the Inner Slob lives only as long as you pay attention to it. And you deserve to now be paying attention to something else entirely. You are worth the trouble and the effort of making yourself as healthy, beautiful, wealthy, successful and inspired as you can be. Your dreams and projects ARE worth your time... and so is everything else in your life that is meaningful and magical to you, OK?

Listen to the voice of your Inner Goddess only, from now on. That was her speaking to you, by the way. Isn't she lovely?

So where are some wonderful and nourishing places to start being ritualistic around, for the purposes of flowering your spirit and your life?

- Getting up really early so you have time to meditate, exercise and consciously plan your day
- Saying NO to most things and people unless they nourish your self worth, creativity and soul (see post coming up on Discernment/ 80-20 Rule)
- Giving an hour daily to your label, novel, blog, website... whatever creative pursuit you're wanting to birth
- Going to bed at a regular hour
- Making 80% of your diet water, vegies, greens, alive foods...
- Making only 20% of your drinks alcoholic ;)

What else would nourish, support you and electrify your life, if given the regular care, love and attention?

I look forward to hearing from you below x

The Push and Pull of Love

"Our joy and fulfilment in a relationship is defined by the romantic experience we create for eachother. This experience is shaped by the courage and creativity with which we are willing to express our emotions." AB



This is a text message I sent a lover a few years back who wasn't providing me with the emotional experience (read, "attention") I was after.

At the time, the bigger conversation did wonders for his short term interest where he was temporarily encouraged to step up his servitude towards me.

Now, I know most "hard-to-getters" are having their hairs stand on end at this decidedly open and frank demand on my behalf (I did ask him to step up and show me that he was thinking of me - indeed a rather emotionally available comment, when I think back!). However, a deeper part of me simply made the choice that I didn't want to spend my weeks feeling insecure about the intentions of the man who had seen me gyrating naked only several nights prior.

Fast forward 5 years, and I know now that perhaps men do need a little longer to emotionally catch up... So should I have just left it and not said anything to old lover? After all the outcome was great upfront, but then ultimately it ended direly. Indeed, I am still as confused as ever about this whole "playing it cool" thing.

I've had relationships where it was intense and cozy from the start - and remained that way umtil the end (until it no longer didn't). I've had even more men blow torch me with attention up front, only then to pull back suddenly and infuriatingly (Did I say something wrong? Was I not enough of a challenge? Or is he simply a committment-phone who would do said thing to even Cindy Crawford?).

This is the domain that confuses me most - is the success rate with a man early on increased if you hold off a bit at the start, letting it simmer and build? Or is it best to be open and yourself completely from the start... and if it doesn't work, it was never meant to be?

(When I recieve answers to this in person, almost everyone says that they want openness and honesty, but actually respond to the challenge.... the perils of human nature!)

One thing I I do understand is this:

The most important element of courtiship and seduction is remaining relaaaaxed. Yes, men will oft be slow to catch up to your commitment clock (unless they are totally self-evolved and emotionally available... but that is fodder for another post). And whilst the majority of 'men' (well, those under 35 anyway... in which case are they even men??) are in no rush to cohabit cozily (even with a Goddess like you... yet)... it may be important that the decision to move things forward comes from them.

Until then, reward their initiative and give them plenty of time to scratch their heads by leading a fabulous life which they would be knocking down walls to be a part of. Be realistic about where he is at and meet him on that level... if he is casual, so are you - because your life is filled with other dates, hobbies and interests that keep your heart aflame and alive.

Too often I see women wanting "boyfriend" behaviour from a guy who is just "casually hanging out" (myself - guilty!). It's a recipe for losing power (and this blog is alll about feminine power). Please - readjust your expectations of him to "casual date" and go find someone wonderful who'll claim you fully.

Now I am all up for a bit of longing - it is all a part of the romantic experience and allows us to know the depth and breadth of our feelings. Don't take all the challenge (ie degree of longing) out of courtship, or you'd be doing your spirit a great dis-service. Like in any area of life, instant gratification just leads to apathy. Keep the string of chemistry taught with just the right, playful amount of disclosure and restraint. But do it to keep things energised for you - not to entrap and manipulate him. Presto?

Being a challenge, being available, early dating rules, being yourself... Dying to hear your thoughts on this, boys and girls?